I have a lump in my breast.
Wow, not a great beginning, but hey, journals are for the bad times as well as the good.
I had been denying its presence for about a week now, writing it off as a glandular thing, but last night I finally had Tery feel it and she instantly, unhesitatingly declared, "Yep. That's a lump." When I immediately started to come unglued, she tried to offer consolation, which did not make me feel one bit better. My grandmother died of breast cancer, so I have no reason to believe this is anything not to worry about. I despised my emotionality even as I wept, because I am a big believer in "there is no sense worrying about things you have no control over"...but it seems this statement only applies to things like realizing at 2 a.m. that you forgot to get your sister a birthday present.
I thought it was unnecessarily complicated to find a doctor back when I HAD insurance. I am discovering this morning that it is virtually impossible to get a mammogram without insurance and without a doctor's referral, which in my opinion is bullshit. You don't need either to get an eye exam and glasses, which is 300 times less life-threatening and crucial than dealing with possible breast cancer.
It did amuse me to see how my priorities changed the more phone calls I had to make. I started out in search of an "affordable" mammogram, so I got a number to a "sliding scale" facility. The problem there was that not only was their next available appointment at least 2 months down the road (ummmm, I could be dead by then, lady) but you first had to go through a financial screening to make sure you weren't ripping off the system (and I just know with my luck in life I would be hovering right on the cusp of qualifying financial status and get turned down anyway, just because I am not a single mother of 3. Because no one gives a shit about a single lesbian (bisexual) trying to make ends meet without freeloading off the system). But they helpfully gave me 2 or 3 other numbers to try if I couldn't jump through their hoops.
Thus I slowly changed my priorities as I realized that people without insurance and people without regular doctors are not entitled to the same treatment as the Chosen of Society. Hey, it's not for lack of trying....I work two jobs, remember, I am just unlucky enough that neither of them offer insurance and I have been told that individual health insurance is so expensive you are better off saving your money for emergencies like this one (also, the irony was not lost on me that one of my jobs, medical transcription, involves dealing with doctor's visits and medical issues all day....and I couldn't even get a bloody appointment for myself).
To further complicate my quest, one of my best hopes said they were not accepting new patients. After hanging up from this call, I burst into tears. WHY was it so fucking hard just to get an appointment? It seems like it might be less stressful just to face breast cancer. It also seems like this much stress and anxiety is supremely against the best interests of someone who might be sick (and believe me, I am not generally prone to drama, but it is terrifyingly easy to imagine the worst and feel exquisitely sorry for myself without even having any definitive bad news.) I wanted to scream at every apathetic and unhelpful receptionist, "Be nice to me! I have a lump in my breast!" I wished (not for the first time) that I lived in England or Canada, countries where you can walk in to a doctor anytime, anywhere and be taken care of free of charge (my friend's girlfriend had a lesion on her face removed in this way, no problems, no stacks of paperwork, no red tape and bureaucratic bullshit. Meanwhile I might drop dead just waiting to get seen by someone. See what I mean about drama?)
As I regrouped and considered my options, part of me pointed out that I had no problem a month before dropping $1000 on a new computer, so why was I being so stingy with my own health? Okay, change of priorities....I abandoned my quest for "affordable," so now I just had to find someone who wouldn't care about my lack of insurance and not need a doctor's referral (because, I reasoned, a doctor's visit on top of a mammogram would certainly cost more than just a mammogram, plus I didn't need to pay some fucking doctor $125 to tell me I had a lump and needed a mammogram, it was pretty plainly obvious to me all on my own for free). No cigar, of course. The medical system is absolutely set up as a "you-scratch-my-back-and-I'll-scratch-yours" entity. We don't want Dr. What's-His-Name to miss a boat payment because of know-it-all patients trying to circumvent the system, do we?
I fell into such depths of despair and self-pity (and bitterness, if that much isn't obvious) I had to have Tery start calling for me. She spoke to the American Cancer Society again (I had been able only to get an answering machine) who gave her the number of a clinic that supposedly did an exam AND a mammogram for you. Terrific! She couldn't find an address for it, but I didn't care....I said I would drive to freaking Wyoming if I had to at this point. So I called them, and surprise! more hoops. They said that if I was a "worst-case scenario" (just hearing the receptionist use those words in reference to me made fresh tears spring to my eyes) I would not qualify for their grants to pay for future procedures unless I was referred by a doctor. She suggested I call Planned Parenthood for an exam and then have them refer me back to the clinic. Which I did, and was told by that receptionist that they had run out of money in their blah-blah grant for clinical exams. It was only after a round or two of "who's on first" that I realized that she was saying there was no more funding for free doctor's visits, which I certainly never expected in the first place. I told her in short, easy-to-understand sentences, "I have a lump in my breast. I am very worried about it. I want to do something about it as soon as possible. At this point money is not an issue. Can I please have an appointment?" Once I made it clear I was possibly dying she happily made the appointment.
Is health care reform anywhere CLOSE to President Bush's agenda?
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