Did you know this review is four pages long? "My disinterest in this movie, let me show you it."
Here's the link to the soundtrack. On top of the Thom Yorke song, I'd also recommend "Friends", "Violet Hour", "Done All Wrong", and especially "Shooting the Moon". "Roslyn" is pretty, but you really have to be in the mood for it.
I'm not going to defend this movie. I’m not so far gone that I can't see what's happening to me. Like that Patton Oswalt bit where he becomes fascinated with how fat he's becoming. I see a half naked picture of a Twilight actor in a magazine and I think, that’s disgusting. Then I tear it out and tack it up next to a Deathly Hallows poster. I'm not right in the head.
Anyway, I'm just going to lay down some Twilight book, er, "logic", to fill in the gaps the movie has left. Please take my words as canon rather than trying to answer the unanswerable questions by reading any of the books.
not realizing that Edward is 109 and has memorized the play. What a fool. Do teachers these days even read their student files? For all the talk being passed around about The Big Fat Vampire Secret, IE, The Fact That Edward Is One, everyone seems to know about it.
Until she gets to Esme's gift, described as something to help Bella with her wan paleness (it seems too small to be a tanning bed though). We'll never know what it was because either she decorated it with a straight razor or Bella gets the mother of all paper cuts, and suddenly she drops one solitary bead of blood onto the carpet. Shows what you know about vampire technology. It is a tanning bed. All of the vampires use it. If they didn't, they’d be translucent. No, really, it’s a trip for two to Florida to see Bella's mother. It’ll probably come up in the next movie, shhh.
Edward shoves Bella back out of harm's way, only to send her hurling through a glass table that completely shreds her arm, producing way, way, way more blood. Smooth move, Ex-Lax Edward. What a goof. This whole thing is Edward's fault, right?
the village folk have started noticing that Carlisle looks ten years younger than he's supposed to be, The fact that this isn’t true would be a big logical issue for me if it weren’t for the fact that I am completely incapable of judging ages. I've got a 20 year margin of error. I would totally buy 25-year-old parents of high school students.
Oh Bella, you're too stupid to be a vampire. True story. Snape in your story isn’t this insecure, and he’s not catnip or whatever to his paramour.
I can't really poke fun here as I went through something very similar when I lost my friend Brian in college. This sounds like a trauma. What happened? I mean, we've crossed asshole vampire off the list, so what's next? Witness Protection?
(whether Alice is writing back is never made clear). She's not. She's not receiving the e-mails at all, according to the screen full of failure notifications. I'm not sure whether this is because Alice has canceled her e-mail account, or because she never had one and Bella has been writing to different variations of AliceCullen@aol.com, having gone up out her mind.
spurring her to start seeking out risky behavior just for the rush of having him scold her like a child. How much sense does this not make, anyway? On a scale of zero to a little less than one, zero being the least amount of sense something can make. One being an Olympic show involving Inuit hunting, Peter Pan frog-hopping, and Scottish people from the 90s playing fiddles.
hints that she completely missed because she was all about the vamps. He seems normal enough when they first start hanging out -- at least he can keep his shirt on. But that will all change soon enough. I think the problem was that in the first movie he was fully clothed when he was revealing every one of his deep dark secrets to her. She only seems to listen properly to half-naked boys.
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branchandroot
Re: FIRST
Date: 2010-04-28 04:47 am (UTC)Here's the link to the soundtrack. On top of the Thom Yorke song, I'd also recommend "Friends", "Violet Hour", "Done All Wrong", and especially "Shooting the Moon". "Roslyn" is pretty, but you really have to be in the mood for it.
I'm not going to defend this movie. I’m not so far gone that I can't see what's happening to me. Like that Patton Oswalt bit where he becomes fascinated with how fat he's becoming. I see a half naked picture of a Twilight actor in a magazine and I think, that’s disgusting. Then I tear it out and tack it up next to a Deathly Hallows poster. I'm not right in the head.
Anyway, I'm just going to lay down some Twilight book, er, "logic", to fill in the gaps the movie has left. Please take my words as canon rather than trying to answer the unanswerable questions by reading any of the books.
not realizing that Edward is 109 and has memorized the play. What a fool. Do teachers these days even read their student files? For all the talk being passed around about The Big Fat Vampire Secret, IE, The Fact That Edward Is One, everyone seems to know about it.
Until she gets to Esme's gift, described as something to help Bella with her wan paleness (it seems too small to be a tanning bed though). We'll never know what it was because either she decorated it with a straight razor or Bella gets the mother of all paper cuts, and suddenly she drops one solitary bead of blood onto the carpet. Shows what you know about vampire technology. It is a tanning bed. All of the vampires use it. If they didn't, they’d be translucent. No, really, it’s a trip for two to Florida to see Bella's mother. It’ll probably come up in the next movie, shhh.
Edward shoves Bella back out of harm's way, only to send her hurling through a glass table that completely shreds her arm, producing way, way, way more blood. Smooth move, Ex-Lax Edward. What a goof. This whole thing is Edward's fault, right?
the village folk have started noticing that Carlisle looks ten years younger than he's supposed to be, The fact that this isn’t true would be a big logical issue for me if it weren’t for the fact that I am completely incapable of judging ages. I've got a 20 year margin of error. I would totally buy 25-year-old parents of high school students.
Oh Bella, you're too stupid to be a vampire. True story. Snape in your story isn’t this insecure, and he’s not catnip or whatever to his paramour.
I can't really poke fun here as I went through something very similar when I lost my friend Brian in college. This sounds like a trauma. What happened? I mean, we've crossed asshole vampire off the list, so what's next? Witness Protection?
(whether Alice is writing back is never made clear). She's not. She's not receiving the e-mails at all, according to the screen full of failure notifications. I'm not sure whether this is because Alice has canceled her e-mail account, or because she never had one and Bella has been writing to different variations of AliceCullen@aol.com, having gone up out her mind.
spurring her to start seeking out risky behavior just for the rush of having him scold her like a child. How much sense does this not make, anyway? On a scale of zero to a little less than one, zero being the least amount of sense something can make. One being an Olympic show involving Inuit hunting, Peter Pan frog-hopping, and Scottish people from the 90s playing fiddles.
hints that she completely missed because she was all about the vamps. He seems normal enough when they first start hanging out -- at least he can keep his shirt on. But that will all change soon enough. I think the problem was that in the first movie he was fully clothed when he was revealing every one of his deep dark secrets to her. She only seems to listen properly to half-naked boys.