Return of the King...and the idiots

First of all, I agree with angelislington that this film is pretty damn close to perfect. Some of my fellow theatregoers, unfortunately, were far from it.

It was my own fault, I suppose. A Saturday night show on only the second weekend (even a 9 p.m. screening) wouldn't have been my first choice, but it was the only time Tabby and I could agree on. (That is after agreeing on a movie. "I can't decide if I'd rather see that or Gothika," she whined. "That's fine," I replied, "but I have absolutely no doubt in my mind which I'd rather see, so if you want to hang out with me this weekend, we are seeing Return of the King." She tried to push the issue so I reminded her of the serious compromise of my wishes I had made for her by sitting in a bar that Sunday watching football, and she relented.

When planning our evening, Tabby added at least 30 minutes onto each leg of the journey (buying the tickets, getting some dinner, then finally taking our seats). When I asked why she wanted to be in the theater so freakin' early, she reminded me of when we went to see A Beautiful Mind. We had gone to a matinee with a practically empty theater, but unfortunately walked in just as the lights had gone down. Rather than doing the sensible thing and waiting for our eyes to adjust or for the trailers to start to provide some light, we proceeded down an aisle with about 6 people sitting on the near end. I had no problem, but unbeknownst to me Tabby had hugged their seats so closely that she ended up stepping on each and every one's feet, stumbling and ending up in at least one person's lap, and generally making a fool of herself. She didn't realize how big a fool until the first trailer revealed that we had come down a very large middle aisle of the theater, with at least a 5-foot clearance between the two rows. I giggled helplessly for about the first 10 minutes of the movie at this. Tabby was considerably less amused and much closer to mortified. And apparently still carried the scars of this adventure, hence the ridiculously generous time plan.

The parade of idiots began fairly early. The place was packed which didn't surprise me in the least. Anyone stupid enough to arrive two trailers into RotK looking for 4 seats together fully deserves the resulting back and neck ache from being stuck in the front row of the theater. I generally can tolerate talking during the trailers, they are just really, really large commercials, however when the feature starts one would hope that people would pay attention to what they have paid to see. Naturally (because I am an asshole magnet at public events) the couple behind me went on talking conversationally in some Eastern European language. Hoping to nip it in the bud I turned and politely asked them to be quiet. The man was nice enough, but the woman actually said to me in a thick accent, "You'd better be quiet, you bitch." I threw one hand up and heard her mutter something vaguely threatening, but a lot quieter so I have no idea what she said. Anyone who can't bear to keep their fat yap shut for longer than 20 minutes at a time has no business going to a movie, much less a 3-1/2 hour movie. That was the end of the problem, though, except for some kicking to my seat, but no more or less than I always seem to get. Usually it is probably not deliberate, but either way it drives me up a wall. We aren't sitting in the coach section of an airplane, most modern theaters give us ample leg room. Why is it such a challenge to keep your damn feet away from my chair??

The movie (and don't worry, I am taking extra pains not to post any spoilers): Magnificent, captivating, spellbinding. Just as everyone promised, I cried pretty much straight through the last half hour or so. Half of that was from the events of the film, half of it was at the thought that this was it, this was the last one. To list what I liked would take much too long, I will just point out the few bad points. Just like in TTT, it was extremely jarring (but unavoidable, I suppose) to get caught up in the big battle of Minas Tirith, only to be yanked away suddenly back to Frodo and Sam with no warning. But it would be impossible to follow only one plotline at a time, I realize. Secondly, at the end with the lava of Mt. Doom flowing behind Frodo and Sam was the only time in all three films that I really noticed a green screen effect, quite obviously and distractingly so. I hope they fix it somehow for the DVD release. Last, well, that it had to end. Other than that, really everything else was perfection.

But of course the idiots hadn't left the theater. Right up there with incessant talking has to rank inappropriate laughter. I realize I take my movies more seriously than most, but this has the effect of nails on a chalkboard on me. ( But I am curious if anyone else suffered this )

I was just waiting for some homophobic sniggers at Sam and Frodo's frequent displays of affectionate friendship, but thankfully was spared that at least. Then we seemed home-free until the denouement, which granted did seem a little overlong, but they had more loose ends to tie up than could be handled in one pat scene with any satisfaction (or even worse, the text summary, i.e. "Frodo went on to become a shoemaker and revolutionized the entire Hobbit way of life"). But I still could have done without the guy in the back (one of the earlier laughers as well, I am convinced) calling out, "Oh, will it ever end?" Hey, asshole, if you're nervous about missing last call, don't let us stop you. The exits are clearly marked.

As the lights came up and people filed out, I noted the couple behind me had made a very hasty departure. Probably for the best, as I was so riled from all the above mentioned incidents that I would have welcomed a chance to go off on someone.

Maybe we should have seen Gothika and saved this for another weekend.

-=Lainey=-