grrgoyl

This isn't what I was going to write about. I had planned a brief little update on the crackwhore and her home improvements, and a whole different neighbor lady inexplicably getting involved. There was to be clever movie references and scathing sarcasm and maybe, just maybe, some full frontal nudity. But now I have to shelve that story for another time.

This is for everyone who doesn't believe that a lot of things in my life truly become sagas, or worse, those who harbor a suspicion that these sagas are all of my own making or only in my head somehow. I assure you, this is not the case. I offer for your consideration Exhibit GGG (because surely I've already run through the entire alphabet twice by now).

I love movies. Movies that I love enough to own I watch compulsively and repeatedly. I embraced the advance into DVD technology because I love when the movies that I love have something extra on them, whether it be behind-the-scenes featurettes, deleted scenes, outtakes or best of all, feature-length audio commentary. In some cases, the commentary is more entertaining than the film itself. Some people don't care about these things, even on movies they enjoy, and that I can't fathom. If you like/love the movie, why wouldn't you want to get more indepth into it, learn more about the making of it? People are asshats.

So when a movie is released onto DVD with just a plain, no-frills version and one that includes the extras, my choice is pretty clear. It is why I am holding off on buying Kill Bill (and I was right, btw...I just read that they are releasing a special 4-hour NC-17 version soon) and it is why I have duplicates of several titles in my collection, because the tricksy studio put out the special edition months or years after the regular (or worse, a re-release of a special edition with different features. Curse you, money-grubbing film studios!!!!!!! *shaking fist uselessly at the sky*)

Run Lola Run is just such a release. There is a version with a bare smattering of extras, TV spots (translation: commercials), music video, trailers (which, frankly, who cares about trailers? I've seen the film. The thrill of discovery that trailers normally bring is gone)...then there's the version that beats this version up after school, with commentary by the director and Lola herself, music video AND dubbed in English (because I still hate subtitles, no matter how excellent the film). It is my stubborn desire to own this version that has led to my newest saga.

I remember fondly back when I first knew I wanted to buy the movie. I was excited about finding a copy for only $6 and Tery stressed out that someone else would buy it before me. If only I knew then that this worry would be the least of my problems! How young and optimistic I was then. Now, some three weeks later, I'm a little older and a little more dead inside.

I finally got paid and eagerly set out to order it. As I suspected, it was still sitting where I had left it. Silly Tery! But I wanted to make absolutely certain I got the right version. Half.com and Amazon.com both had one at a similar price (both by private sellers), but Half.com doesn't include the detailed description that Amazon does. So I went the Amazon route, just to be sure. It took forever to arrive (2-1/2 weeks!) but it finally did and I eagerly tore through the packaging. And sat, perplexed, as I stared at the inferior and totally wrong version in my hand. I swear it was sticking its tongue out at me.

I read and reread the back of the case, hunting through the small print for any mention of commentary. Was it possible it had it but wasn't listed on the back? It seemed pretty silly to keep a perfectly good selling feature of a product a secret. I put in an emergency call to Bear, who assured me her version clearly stated "full-length audio commentary." Well, shit. I emailed the seller on the spot, and long story short (I know, waaaaaay too late) they agreed to refund me if I returned it, no problem whatsoever.

Well there was a problem, because I was still Lola-less. I returned to Half.com and this time decided to take even fewer chances. I asked the seller point-blank if they were selling the version with commentary. In the very same minute the answer came back as yes, I was already placing my order with them. It was only when packaging up the hateful unwanted version for return that I noticed both sellers were in Sumas, WA. What were the odds?

As I learned today, it had nothing to do with odds. Because they were the EXACT SAME SELLER. Furthermore, they sent me the EXACT SAME VERSION again. I could not fucking believe it. Am I only imagining that I'm speaking English? Am I foolishly naive to assume that THEY speak English? Does "audio commentary" mean different things in different parts of the country? And why does this have to be my life?

They have a website. On the website is a phone number. A phone number I intend to call tomorrow (today. Christ, it's 3 a.m.). I will try really hard not to make them regret answering, but honestly... One thing's for DAMN sure. I'd better get some sort of reimbursement for paying now THREE times to ship something and not having anything to show for it. Oh yes. I will get my shipping charges back. Mark my words.

I won an auction back on Feb 13 on eBay. What the auction was for is absolutely irrelevant to this story, but suffice to say it will make a handy travel companion to my personal DVD player in June when we fly back to Connecticut (and involves portable battery charging. There. I've said too much). I am exceedingly patient when it comes to waiting for online purchases to arrive (on the outside at least), but after two weeks I felt enough was enough. I emailed the seller, then emailed him again. He wrote back to say the item hadn't even shipped yet. His excuse? Incarceration? Coma? Alien abduction? All perfectly acceptable, legitimate reasons. But no. He said he "forgot about his eBay transactions." I don't know how he could miss the four emails that get sent at the end of an auction automatically. He said he was just "trying out the eBay thing" (explaining why he had only one feedback. Never freakin' again). I was gobsmacked. Well, while you are dabbling in auctions for the sheer fun of it, over here is a real, live, flesh-and-blood buyer who shelled out good money and is waiting for their item. Here's the part where you ship your item in exchange for actual, legal-tender, cold hard cash, which is really the whole point of holding an auction in my opinion. But what do I know? I've only been doing it for 6 years. I invented a trip happening this weekend to add strength to my outrage, but he won't even be back in the country until Mar 20. He offered to refund my shipping, so I left neutral rather than negative feedback. Not that this bozo will care, since eBay is apparently just a little experiment for him.

In unrelated news, at Tery's urging I've removed the plastic insulation from our windows, so those of you in the Denver area, prepare for the temperature to drop to 9 degrees.

It seems that everything in my life has the potential to become a full-blown saga. Or perhaps I am especially good at embellishing stories to make them appear to be sagas. You decide.

It started innocently enough. Thanks to swankyfunk's little movie-renting poll, my obsession with the best movie in all the world, Fight Club, was rekindled. I found this kickass shirt on eBay and couldn't resist. If you bother to click on the link, please take note that the auction lists all sizes available. This will become important later, trust me.

The shirt came quickly, uncharacteristically un-saga-like, but hold your horses. I had ordered a large based on the specs in the auction, forgetting that t-shirts aren't made for people with boobs. I figured it wouldn't be a big deal to exchange, because as I mentioned, all sizes were available. So I emailed the seller right away. I waited a week and heard nothing. I emailed again, getting slightly irritated. I waited about three days and emailed again, this time threatening to leave negative feedback (a paltry and often inadequate weapon against seller fraud). Still nothing. After waiting another three days or so I contacted eBay, asking for a phone number or something. I received the information today.

Quite a saga, no? Well I'm just getting started. I called the seller this morning. He admitted he had been having problems with the email he had listed on eBay (I refrained from asking why the hell he didn't fix it then). He said it was no problem to exchange as long as I was willing to pay shipping and gave me a different email to send information to. I sent a nice letter thanking him and trying to negotiate a lower shipping rate.....

(Let me talk for a minute about shipping and eBay. One of my biggest peeves is sellers trying to pad their profit by charging extortionate shipping fees. In this case I paid $5.50 when actual shipping costs were but $1.75. I realize the shipping also covers costs such as packing materials, but this was a t-shirt....no bubble wrap needed, no insurance, just the shirt and a cheap soft envelope. So I was pretty set against paying another $5.50 on top of the $3 profit already made by this guy.)


.....which was almost instantly returned to me by that beloved "mailer daemon" person. Okay, this guy doesn't even know his own email address? I called him again and he suddenly wasn't answering his phone, not a good sign. I went looking on the PayPal site and found still ANOTHER address and sent off another copy of the nice letter. Shortly thereafter I received a reply, brief, brusque to the point of rudeness. Well, you decide if it was the brevity that made it rude: "No exchanges on shirts. You were sent the size you asked for." That was the whole message. Not even an apology or the typical courtesy one associates (occasionally) with customer service. Okay, stoic AND schizophrenic. What the HELL was up with this guy? I immediately responded, equally briefly, "I just spoke with you on the phone and you said I could exchange it. What's the deal?" He replied, "You spoke with my partner. He's on a trip to Ireland. If he said you could exchange it I will honor that. Please pay additional $5.50 for shipping." Now I could see what all the extra shipping costs were paying for, and I wasn't much in the mood to finance his partner's next vacation in Europe. I sent back "I've already paid $5.50 for shipping, which was only $1.75. Give me your address and I will send a self-addressed stamped envelope with the returned shirt." He wrote back again, "Yeah, whatever..... $5.50 for one shirt, $2.50 for each additional shirt" followed by all his PayPal information where I could send my money. Okay, clearly this guy isn't used to dealing with the customer relations end of the business. "Yeah, whatever...."? Can anyone who has ever dealt with any kind of customer at all in the history of the world picture themselves saying, "Yeah, whatever...." to them (and get away with it)?? By this time I was so riled up my hands were shaking. I was poised to tell this guy exactly where he could stick his "additional $5.50," but I kept most of my cool and wrote back, "I've already paid the $5.50. By your logic, I should only be paying $2.50. You want me to pay $10+ to ship an $8 t-shirt?" I sat there, quivering, shaking, waiting for the final blow that would make me completely terminate all communication with this guy and write a complaint to eBay. I wasn't expecting his next mail, though...."I said to do what you just said, send a self-addressed envelope to this address" yadda yadda yadda.

At this point I have to appeal to the jury. Lord knows I have been guilty on more than one occasion of overreacting to a misunderstanding and blowing things way out of proportion. I went back and read and re-read the famous "Yeah, whatever...." mail (including all the paying information) and tried to see how I could have misconstrued that. Help me out here? I didn't see it, and answered only, "Sorry. Must have been all the 'send your money here' info that confused me." I hope the sarcasm came through, though him being in California, my hopes aren't high (no offense to Californians, but most people on this coast don't seem to get sarcasm. Although I reluctantly admit his rudeness is more characteristic of East Coasters.) Fortunately that was the last of the communication or my head might very well have exploded.

I went to Office Depot for some soft envelopes and I plan to mail it back tomorrow. The saga might not even be over yet. A whole world of things could go wrong in the mailing process, but there we are. The first irony is that a package of 5 envelopes (couldn't find any singles) plus shipping will cost more than $5.50, but it is the principle of the thing you see, and at least I'll have some extra envelopes to show for it. The second irony is my hero in the movie, Tyler Durden, would disapprove vehemently of all this rampant consumerism in the first place. Cuz the things we own end up owning us. Sorry, Tyler.

-=Lainey=-