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grrgoylI wasn't really planning to see Beowulf, mostly because I kept forgetting the screenplay was by Neil Gaiman. As an English major I had taken an entire college course devoted solely to the study of the ancient poem, of which I remember not word one, so I hardly felt any special affinity for it. However, never underestimate the draw of Angelina Jolie's boobies well-done 3D (and IMAX) for me.
(Actually that boobie bit is such a joke to me. Someone at IMDb posted the anxious, hopeful query, "Do you actually see Angelina's boobs?" Dearheart, if you're relying on CGI nudity to get your jollies, save your money and buy some titty magazines. Honestly.)
Before I discuss Beowulf the movie, I must discuss Beowulf the audience. I was the first to enter the theater, and chose a seat in the very back row high at the top. Because I just know it could be me and one other person, and that person would sit behind me and kick me through the entire film.
Next came a young guy, dressed like a gangsta but before we judge too hastily, he took his seat and whipped out a book -- you know, those paper-filled thingies with words that most kids don't touch outside of a classroom? I so would've dated him in school (but would make him lose the ridiculous skateboard cap).
After him came a succession of men, all middle-aged, some alone. Down near the middle of the theater, a pair of burly, silver-haired biker dudes were preparing to take their seats. I watched with great interest, ever since![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
dopshoppe pointed out to me how some straight men put an empty seat between them, lest a stray brush of shoulder be misconstrued as an offer of oral sex. I felt a warm glow of pleasure when they sat arm to arm. I felt it blossom larger when I noticed them sharing a tub of popcorn. And I flat out fell in love with them when I noticed them sharing a soda (separate straws though). Movie food is damn expensive and if I were a guy, I would have no problem shoving social mores aside to save $7. And nor did they. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
Which is not to say all my fellow moviegoers were perfect little microcosms of an ideal audience. Minutes before the film started, two mooks sat directly in front of me (empty seat between them), one of whose big fat head edged up just enough into my line of vision to make me move (after sitting in that seat for 30 minutes. Bitch). Minutes after the film started, another guy sat a little farther down, set up a feeding trough and proceeded to snarfle, snort and chomp loudly through the entire movie, perhaps pausing when Angelina's boobies made their appearance. I SO wanted to say something after the first hour, but other people were sitting much closer; surely THEY would speak up? Or not. Pussies.
The movie opens in the hall of Hrothgar, where much merriment is being made by drunken, crude, disgusting Danish soldiers. This is all observed with barely disguised contempt by the lovely Queen Wealthow, or at least as much contempt as a computer can convey (Robin Wright Penn plays the queen, and drove me insane through the whole movie trying to recognize her, as her CGI counterpart looks very little like her. As she has no nude scenes whatsoever, I imagine animators were pulled very reluctantly from working on Angelina, who even from the neck up is rendered in lovingly lifelike detail). The beastly, repulsive men made me wonder how the human race hasn't died out centuries ago if this was the choice in partners women were faced with throughout history (and based on Mr. Piggy Pig Pig 5 seats down from me, I tend to think we haven't made as much progress as we'd like to believe).
There's nudity in this movie. The aforementioned Grendel's mother (Jolie), even Beowulf fights Grendel completely nude (with strategically placed obstacles hiding his naughty bits), but first we're treated to the sight of an inebriated Hrothgar (Anthony Hopkins) who can barely keep his toga-like robe slung over his shoulder (did the Danes wear togas?) Thankfully it never falls off completely, but there's enough visible to allow someone of reasonable imagination to fill in the rest.
During the revelry we're transported up, up, far up the mountain where Grendel is tormented by the amplified laughter and chanting of the men. In this movie he's portrayed as a pathetic, deformed creature with a debilitating case of phonophobia thanks to his exposed, pulsating left tympanic membrane. He only attacks the rowdy men for some peace and quiet, something I can endorse wholeheartedly.
Beowulf's ship arrives shortly thereafter, even though about the only thing I CAN remember from the original poem is that Grendel attacks three nights in a row -- obviously some editing was necessary for time, plus it's pretty hard to imagine that Hrothgar has enough men to fill the hall night after night, or that there would be that much more additional partying going on after such wholesale slaughter of their people. Beowulf first faces mistrust and outright insults from Hrothgar's right-hand man Unferth (John Malkovich, excellent as always), who questions the rumor of Beowulf losing a swimming race. Beowulf's excuse is that he fell behind to kill some sea monsters, in a stunning flashback sequence whose only purpose seems to be to illustrate how quickly tales become overblown and embellished through the oral tradition of storytelling. But still far more entertaining than developing a leg cramp.
Grendel is killed and then the interesting part of the movie begins.
I'm going to stop right here because I'm telling the whole damn movie, which was not my intention. Since I have barely no memory of the poem, I can't tell you how much liberty is taken in this translation. I DO know that it was all Gaiman to make Grendel's mother's feet the shape of stiletto heels, I'm pretty sure those hadn't been invented in the fifth century. It was a nice touch. The story is engaging, with a compelling mixture of history and mythology as only Neil can do. The action is gripping; it's very easy to forget the movie is animated, the CGI is done so well. As always, if you have the opportunity to see it in 3D, I highly recommend it. 4.5 out of 5
Movies I fucking can't wait to see: I Am Legend (IMAX, shyeah baby) and of course Sweeney Todd (not in IMAX, dammit).
Then I came home to #6 in the Horrorfest series, Wicked Little Things. I can't be this jaded, I just can't. Perhaps I SHOULD give those Hostel movies a try, since evidently regular horror flicks bore the piss out of me. By the end of this I could barely keep my eyes open. Not good.
1913. Dickensian children slave away in a coal mine. The foreman asks for a "small one" and gets Mary, a girl no more than five or six. She's sent into a narrow crawlspace with dynamite, but then won't come out again. The fuse is about to be lit, over the protest of the man who sent her in, "But she's just a child!" Ummmm, they're ALL just children working in inhuman conditions. You're developing a conscience NOW?
The explosives go, the mine shaft predictably collapses, burying all alive. Gotcha.
Present day. Karen is driving her two daughters, Sarah (teenager) and Emma (younger), up a mountain. They've inherited their late father's/husband's family house in Pennsylvania. "Girls, up ahead is Addytown, and just a few miles after that is home!" she enthuses to the eye-rolling Sarah. Because it's every teenaged girl's dream to be uprooted to live in the middle of nowhere on a creepy mountain.
They stop in Addytown for supplies, where the hick shopkeeper dotes on Emma while glaring at Sarah as if she'd sprouted horns, a goatee and cloven hooves. It made me LOL, the way he looks at her. Probably not intended by the filmmakers.
They reach the house, which is of course dilapidated, devoid of electricity and water, but with a fresh smear of a wet, red substance on the front door.
The next day Emma wanders off and finds the mine shaft opening. Her mother spends the entire day running through the woods hollering for her, because it's nightfall by the time they start to head back. They get lost and instead stumble on a strange man's house, surrounded by dead rabbits hanging from the trees and a matching stain on the front door. He doesn't say much, but does mention that he put the blood on their door, "No need to thank me." He urgently tells them to get home, but insists they return the next day to talk. What's Sarah been doing all these hours? The filmmakers don't care.
The children from the mine escape at night and roam the woods, their eyes covered in black scleral lenses. They approach the girls' house, get one whiff of the blood and move on. Why? No explanation is offered, just like (less significant, but still) it's never explained how the girls' father died. Annoying.
Deaths occur, in the form of some local teens who know the mountain's history, can't believe Sarah actually lives on "Zombie Mountain," yet insist on parking and making out there anyway. I for one won't mourn a few less stupid teenagers in the world. Neither will Sarah, who doesn't waste her chance to speed away and leave them all in the clutches of the demon children.
There's some more running around, I'm not sure, I was dozing heavily by now. Eventually the mother and girls decide the house, even free, isn't worth it and drive like hell back to wherever they came from. I had to rewind after waking up halfway through the credits to see this happen.
Dismally bad. Incredibly stupid and pointless. 0.5 out of 5 Come on, "8 Films To Die For" -- IS THIS THE BEST YOU GOT????
~*~
Christmas. Season of Lies and Deceit. Already the stressful challenge has begun of not blurting out events of my day that might give away Tery's gifts.
When she got back from visiting her gay brother in New York, all she could rave about was this fancy Rabbit wine opener he had. I bought one from eBay for her, then it occurred to me how little fun it would be without something to use it on on Christmas Day. I emailed her brother for suggestions, since I knew very little about her taste in wine. He recommended two brands that were sure things.
All unknowing, I went across the street to our local liquor store to pick up a bottle. I balked slightly when I realized there were about six aisles of wine. I made an effort to look for the bottles on my own, but I felt about as out of place as a guy in Victoria's Secret. I felt my floundering made it obvious that I'd never bought a bottle of wine in my life, that I couldn't tell wine from champagne if I had a gun pointed at my head.
I asked the cashier for help. He couldn't find Jason's suggestions either, which gave me small comfort. I called Tabby hoping she'd know what Tery liked; she couldn't help ("Real alcoholics don't drink wine"). Friends Chris and Liana were similarly stumped, and I took bigger comfort in the fact that even her drinking buddies had no clue. Chris did at least steer me towards a cabernet, and from there I took the cashier's recommendation and bought a brand called "Insatiable" (I don't know about wine, but I am easily impressed if the label is cool enough).
It'll have to do. I've already spent X-hundred dollars on her for Christmas with the TV. I'm not going crazy on the wine too.
(Actually that boobie bit is such a joke to me. Someone at IMDb posted the anxious, hopeful query, "Do you actually see Angelina's boobs?" Dearheart, if you're relying on CGI nudity to get your jollies, save your money and buy some titty magazines. Honestly.)
Before I discuss Beowulf the movie, I must discuss Beowulf the audience. I was the first to enter the theater, and chose a seat in the very back row high at the top. Because I just know it could be me and one other person, and that person would sit behind me and kick me through the entire film.
Next came a young guy, dressed like a gangsta but before we judge too hastily, he took his seat and whipped out a book -- you know, those paper-filled thingies with words that most kids don't touch outside of a classroom? I so would've dated him in school (but would make him lose the ridiculous skateboard cap).
After him came a succession of men, all middle-aged, some alone. Down near the middle of the theater, a pair of burly, silver-haired biker dudes were preparing to take their seats. I watched with great interest, ever since
dopshoppe pointed out to me how some straight men put an empty seat between them, lest a stray brush of shoulder be misconstrued as an offer of oral sex. I felt a warm glow of pleasure when they sat arm to arm. I felt it blossom larger when I noticed them sharing a tub of popcorn. And I flat out fell in love with them when I noticed them sharing a soda (separate straws though). Movie food is damn expensive and if I were a guy, I would have no problem shoving social mores aside to save $7. And nor did they. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥Which is not to say all my fellow moviegoers were perfect little microcosms of an ideal audience. Minutes before the film started, two mooks sat directly in front of me (empty seat between them), one of whose big fat head edged up just enough into my line of vision to make me move (after sitting in that seat for 30 minutes. Bitch). Minutes after the film started, another guy sat a little farther down, set up a feeding trough and proceeded to snarfle, snort and chomp loudly through the entire movie, perhaps pausing when Angelina's boobies made their appearance. I SO wanted to say something after the first hour, but other people were sitting much closer; surely THEY would speak up? Or not. Pussies.
The movie opens in the hall of Hrothgar, where much merriment is being made by drunken, crude, disgusting Danish soldiers. This is all observed with barely disguised contempt by the lovely Queen Wealthow, or at least as much contempt as a computer can convey (Robin Wright Penn plays the queen, and drove me insane through the whole movie trying to recognize her, as her CGI counterpart looks very little like her. As she has no nude scenes whatsoever, I imagine animators were pulled very reluctantly from working on Angelina, who even from the neck up is rendered in lovingly lifelike detail). The beastly, repulsive men made me wonder how the human race hasn't died out centuries ago if this was the choice in partners women were faced with throughout history (and based on Mr. Piggy Pig Pig 5 seats down from me, I tend to think we haven't made as much progress as we'd like to believe).
There's nudity in this movie. The aforementioned Grendel's mother (Jolie), even Beowulf fights Grendel completely nude (with strategically placed obstacles hiding his naughty bits), but first we're treated to the sight of an inebriated Hrothgar (Anthony Hopkins) who can barely keep his toga-like robe slung over his shoulder (did the Danes wear togas?) Thankfully it never falls off completely, but there's enough visible to allow someone of reasonable imagination to fill in the rest.
During the revelry we're transported up, up, far up the mountain where Grendel is tormented by the amplified laughter and chanting of the men. In this movie he's portrayed as a pathetic, deformed creature with a debilitating case of phonophobia thanks to his exposed, pulsating left tympanic membrane. He only attacks the rowdy men for some peace and quiet, something I can endorse wholeheartedly.
Beowulf's ship arrives shortly thereafter, even though about the only thing I CAN remember from the original poem is that Grendel attacks three nights in a row -- obviously some editing was necessary for time, plus it's pretty hard to imagine that Hrothgar has enough men to fill the hall night after night, or that there would be that much more additional partying going on after such wholesale slaughter of their people. Beowulf first faces mistrust and outright insults from Hrothgar's right-hand man Unferth (John Malkovich, excellent as always), who questions the rumor of Beowulf losing a swimming race. Beowulf's excuse is that he fell behind to kill some sea monsters, in a stunning flashback sequence whose only purpose seems to be to illustrate how quickly tales become overblown and embellished through the oral tradition of storytelling. But still far more entertaining than developing a leg cramp.
Grendel is killed and then the interesting part of the movie begins.
I'm going to stop right here because I'm telling the whole damn movie, which was not my intention. Since I have barely no memory of the poem, I can't tell you how much liberty is taken in this translation. I DO know that it was all Gaiman to make Grendel's mother's feet the shape of stiletto heels, I'm pretty sure those hadn't been invented in the fifth century. It was a nice touch. The story is engaging, with a compelling mixture of history and mythology as only Neil can do. The action is gripping; it's very easy to forget the movie is animated, the CGI is done so well. As always, if you have the opportunity to see it in 3D, I highly recommend it. 4.5 out of 5
Movies I fucking can't wait to see: I Am Legend (IMAX, shyeah baby) and of course Sweeney Todd (not in IMAX, dammit).
Then I came home to #6 in the Horrorfest series, Wicked Little Things. I can't be this jaded, I just can't. Perhaps I SHOULD give those Hostel movies a try, since evidently regular horror flicks bore the piss out of me. By the end of this I could barely keep my eyes open. Not good.
1913. Dickensian children slave away in a coal mine. The foreman asks for a "small one" and gets Mary, a girl no more than five or six. She's sent into a narrow crawlspace with dynamite, but then won't come out again. The fuse is about to be lit, over the protest of the man who sent her in, "But she's just a child!" Ummmm, they're ALL just children working in inhuman conditions. You're developing a conscience NOW?
The explosives go, the mine shaft predictably collapses, burying all alive. Gotcha.
Present day. Karen is driving her two daughters, Sarah (teenager) and Emma (younger), up a mountain. They've inherited their late father's/husband's family house in Pennsylvania. "Girls, up ahead is Addytown, and just a few miles after that is home!" she enthuses to the eye-rolling Sarah. Because it's every teenaged girl's dream to be uprooted to live in the middle of nowhere on a creepy mountain.
They stop in Addytown for supplies, where the hick shopkeeper dotes on Emma while glaring at Sarah as if she'd sprouted horns, a goatee and cloven hooves. It made me LOL, the way he looks at her. Probably not intended by the filmmakers.
They reach the house, which is of course dilapidated, devoid of electricity and water, but with a fresh smear of a wet, red substance on the front door.
The next day Emma wanders off and finds the mine shaft opening. Her mother spends the entire day running through the woods hollering for her, because it's nightfall by the time they start to head back. They get lost and instead stumble on a strange man's house, surrounded by dead rabbits hanging from the trees and a matching stain on the front door. He doesn't say much, but does mention that he put the blood on their door, "No need to thank me." He urgently tells them to get home, but insists they return the next day to talk. What's Sarah been doing all these hours? The filmmakers don't care.
The children from the mine escape at night and roam the woods, their eyes covered in black scleral lenses. They approach the girls' house, get one whiff of the blood and move on. Why? No explanation is offered, just like (less significant, but still) it's never explained how the girls' father died. Annoying.
Deaths occur, in the form of some local teens who know the mountain's history, can't believe Sarah actually lives on "Zombie Mountain," yet insist on parking and making out there anyway. I for one won't mourn a few less stupid teenagers in the world. Neither will Sarah, who doesn't waste her chance to speed away and leave them all in the clutches of the demon children.
There's some more running around, I'm not sure, I was dozing heavily by now. Eventually the mother and girls decide the house, even free, isn't worth it and drive like hell back to wherever they came from. I had to rewind after waking up halfway through the credits to see this happen.
Dismally bad. Incredibly stupid and pointless. 0.5 out of 5 Come on, "8 Films To Die For" -- IS THIS THE BEST YOU GOT????
~*~
Christmas. Season of Lies and Deceit. Already the stressful challenge has begun of not blurting out events of my day that might give away Tery's gifts.
When she got back from visiting her gay brother in New York, all she could rave about was this fancy Rabbit wine opener he had. I bought one from eBay for her, then it occurred to me how little fun it would be without something to use it on on Christmas Day. I emailed her brother for suggestions, since I knew very little about her taste in wine. He recommended two brands that were sure things.
All unknowing, I went across the street to our local liquor store to pick up a bottle. I balked slightly when I realized there were about six aisles of wine. I made an effort to look for the bottles on my own, but I felt about as out of place as a guy in Victoria's Secret. I felt my floundering made it obvious that I'd never bought a bottle of wine in my life, that I couldn't tell wine from champagne if I had a gun pointed at my head.
I asked the cashier for help. He couldn't find Jason's suggestions either, which gave me small comfort. I called Tabby hoping she'd know what Tery liked; she couldn't help ("Real alcoholics don't drink wine"). Friends Chris and Liana were similarly stumped, and I took bigger comfort in the fact that even her drinking buddies had no clue. Chris did at least steer me towards a cabernet, and from there I took the cashier's recommendation and bought a brand called "Insatiable" (I don't know about wine, but I am easily impressed if the label is cool enough).
It'll have to do. I've already spent X-hundred dollars on her for Christmas with the TV. I'm not going crazy on the wine too.
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no subject
Date: 2007-11-30 09:36 pm (UTC)She also wants to see this Sweeney Todd movie. I was game enough until she told me it was a musical. Damn it.
no subject
Date: 2007-11-30 10:47 pm (UTC)I don't normally seek out musicals (Hairspray: No thanks, I'll pass) but this has the Rickman. And rumor has it Rickman singing. Wild dogs can't keep me away. Maybe I should be dating your wife.
no subject
Date: 2007-11-30 11:44 pm (UTC)If you're interested in a swap (and it has to be a swap, come on), please note that I have spent a considerable amount of time attempting to create my own Beatles Greatest Hits album. This may help the swap along.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-01 12:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-01 03:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-01 06:03 pm (UTC)At any rate, she's relieved that she can stay here.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-02 07:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-02 08:02 pm (UTC)As for the Queen, she was Buttercup in The Princess Bride and Jenny in Forrest Gump.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-03 05:17 pm (UTC)Yeah, I know who Robin Wright Penn is (remember, I watch a LOT of movies). I even knew her back when she was only Robin Wright. I just didn't think her CGI looked anything like her. If anything, she looks like Jessica Lange.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-03 01:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-03 05:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-04 12:41 am (UTC)Also, I thought you might enjoy some Alan Rickman-y goodness. These are two clips from Sweeney Todd. He sings in the first one(!), and the second...well, let me just say this: keep a fainting couch and a cold compress close by while you watch it. Yowza.
Singing Rickman: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pg9b9nejqU
Fainting Couch Required (he so out-Snapes himself in this clip): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qNbfiLUj2k
And finally, a glorious, chronologically ordered Rickman picture post, courtesy of the LJ comm
~*Amy
no subject
Date: 2007-12-04 04:57 pm (UTC)Oh wow. I just want to curl up in his lap with my ear pressed against his deep, rumbly chest when he does that. Gah.
I literally had trouble breathing while watching the second.
Lovely photo montage. I can't believe how dorky he looked when he was very young. Also, how could they include his Sheriff of Nottingham (where he looks dreadful, I think) and forget "Truly, Madly, Deeply"?? Oh, Jamie. I keep forgetting that I still have to see "Michael Collins."
Thanks for thinking of me : D