New Moon on Sunday
Apr. 27th, 2010 09:05 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
grrgoylI decided I had put it off long enough, and Sunday I gave Twilight: New Moon a go. Warning: Plenty of spoilers and scathing comments under the cut. Twihards proceed with extreme caution.
It apparently picks up directly where Twilight left off -- Bella is still smarting at Edward's refusal to turn her into a vampire, and is now obsessed with age and the idea of growing old, illustrated rather heavyhandedly (which, coincidentally, is the best word to describe the whole movie) by a dream where she meets her grandmother in a field, but when she turns to introduce her to Edward, she suddenly becomes her and Edward chivalrously kisses the hand of his now old crone of a girlfriend.
It doesn't help that she wakes up to her 18th birthday. Consequently anyone that makes lighthearted jokes about her advanced age get their eyes scratched out.
She spends the first scenes nagging and pestering Edward to death (no pun intended) about it, probably demonstrating in the process what a pain in the ass she can be and reminding him precisely why he's not keen on spending eternity with her. Her endless haranguing gets them in trouble in English class during a screening of Romeo and Juliet, in which the teacher tries to embarrass them for not paying attention, not realizing that Edward is 109 and has memorized the play.
Bella is invited to a birthday party at the Cullens' house, which no one seems excited about but Alice, who is flitting around like a hummingbird delivering presents to her from the other vampires, all of which Alice has picked out. Until she gets to Esme's gift, described as something to help Bella with her wan paleness (it seems too small to be a tanning bed though). We'll never know what it was because either she decorated it with a straight razor or Bella gets the mother of all paper cuts, and suddenly she drops one solitary bead of blood onto the carpet.
Everyone in the family tenses at the blood, except Jasper (remember, my favorite), whose pupils dilate like the shark's at the "Fish are Friends" meeting in Finding Nemo. A hilarious super slo-mo sequence ensues where Jasper becomes rabid and the rest of the sibs struggle to hold him back. Edward shoves Bella back out of harm's way, only to send her hurling through a glass table that completely shreds her arm, producing way, way, way more blood. Smooth move, Ex-Lax Edward.
Carlisle hustles her out to stitch her up. Sadly Bella's wounds aren't mortal or she would have gotten her birthday wish, since Carlisle is fond of turning his patients rather than letting them die. Edward brings her home, bestowing a goodnight kiss on her with such a comically pained expression you'd think she smelled like dog shit.
The very next day Edward breaks some bad news to Bella: the village folk have started noticing that Carlisle looks ten years younger than he's supposed to be, so it's time to be moving on. And she's not invited. When she makes a fuss, he sends her away with the classic "Go on, I don't want you anymore" when really he does, he's just trying to protect her trick that's been seen in at least four other movies, yet she totally falls for it. Oh Bella, you're too stupid to be a vampire.
She plummets into angsty despairing depression, waking her father up every night with her anguished screams of heartbreak. I can't really poke fun here as I went through something very similar when I lost my friend Brian in college. Except he wasn't an asshole vampire who proclaimed his everlasting love one day and then pretended he was done with me the next.
She withdraws from her friends, seemingly only maintaining email contact with Alice (whether Alice is writing back is never made clear). She's also discovered that Edward makes ghostly visits to her when she's potentially in danger, spurring her to start seeking out risky behavior just for the rush of having him scold her like a child.
Then her pal Jacob reappears on the scene.
Jacob was her Native American friend from the first movie, who hinted pretty unmistakeably back then that his people had some werewolf shit going on; hints that she completely missed because she was all about the vamps. He seems normal enough when they first start hanging out -- at least he can keep his shirt on. But that will all change soon enough.
She re-initiates their friendship under the guise of helping her fix up some dirt bikes, in a montage where the more astute viewer can see the dirt bikes are a heavyhanded metaphor for her heart and he's putting it back together again as they slowly grow closer. Well done, Stephanie Meyers. You've managed to top yourself in schlocky sentimentality.
Things are going well for the two friends, except for a local gang of young braves who go about clad only in denim shorts and sockless shoes. At first Jacob is repulsed by them. But then he starts exhibiting strangely territorial behavior, especially around Bella.
This comes to a head one night when she's asked on a date by her dorky, completely non-supernatural friend (and she couldn't look less enthused about it) and somehow Jacob ends up tagging along. During the movie she sits between the two boys, who both have their hands palm up on the armrests hoping for Bella to take them -- I LOLed as hard as I did at anything in the first movie. Subtle, guys. I LOLed almost as hard as I did at the title of the movie they're watching: Face Punch, deliberately chosen by Bella for its utterly non-romantic content.
In the lobby Jacob suddenly makes an alpha male show of aggression against the other guy, followed by excusing himself because he feels strangely warm. He must be burning up, since this is the last appearance his shirt will make for the rest of the film.
After he avoids her for a week, she goes to see what his problem is. She finds him walking around wearing only denim shorts (tribe issue?) and sockless shoes, sporting a six-pack you could skate on and a fancy new tattoo. (Unfortunately since they're in the Pacific Northwest, it's pretty chilly and in some scenes Jacob seems to be visibly shivering from the damp cold; either that or he's so profoundly affected by Bella's proximity, which the first movie established has quite an intoxicating effect on the paranormal denizens of Forks.)
Suddenly the tough gang he couldn't stand are his new best friends, and he can't tell her anything about the new him except to try to get her to remember the tribal legends he told her in the first movie. The look she gives him is slightly more vacuous than her normal expression.
Well, this gag order lasts only as long as it takes her to angrily confront his new pals, who evidently have zero self-control and transform into wolves after a slap on the nose by a girl. This is the scene that was in all the commercials and promo spots when Jacob jumps over her and changes in mid air to defend her.
If they're forbidden to talk about the "w" word, I'm pretty sure making a full transformation before a paleface's eyes isn't smiled on either. And not for nothing, historically werewolves can only change by the light of the full moon, not every time their delicate male egos are bruised, making these jokers more like Animagi (Harry Potter interlude here). But I suppose if Stephanie's vamps can not only survive sunlight but sparkle in it, why should she trouble herself with accuracy regarding werewolves either?
So "the wolf's out of the bag" (a line spoken by one of Jacob's pals. I groaned). Bella has a slight period of adjustment, but then she's back to aching after Jacob, represented by hovering with their lips inches apart but never actually kissing; kissing is too close to cheating on Edward in Stephanie's mind I guess.
Also I didn't mention Victoria is back in town, the Natasha Lyonne-looking "nomad" vamp from the original. She wants to kill Bella because Edward killed her boyfriend (I assume the psychopath James from the first movie). The Indian werewolves have been hunting her.
Bella's last daredevil stunt to try to see Edward again is to cliff dive, not realizing Victoria had just been chased into the same body of water. Jacob pulls her out before Victoria can make her move, and that's the last we see of her, which I personally was kind of disappointed by.
This act is interpreted by Alice (who can see the future) as a suicide attempt, and she comes rushing back to Bella. Naturally Bella's first question is whether she brought Edward with her, which shows Jacob how she's been playing him for a chump and killing time until she got to see her vamp lovah again.
But Edward is in Italy, contemplating his own suicide -- he said in the beginning of the movie he would make a scene in front of the Volturi, a powerful group of vampires, who would then execute him, one of the only known ways to kill a bloodsucker (as long as we forget centuries of legends, such as wooden stakes, silver crucifixes, holy water, and again good old sunlight).
SUCH bad timing -- Edward happens to call Bella's house just then. Jacob answers, and evidently Edward asks to speak to Bella's father. Jacob angrily tells him, "He's not here, he's arranging a funeral!" and hangs up. He meant for one of the tribe elders, who had a heart attack after narrowly escaping being killed by Victoria, but Edward of course assumes he means Bella's. Bella screams, "WHY DIDN'T YOU LET ME TALK TO HIM??" and Jacob screams back, "BECAUSE HE DIDN'T ASK FOR YOU!!!!" Well, do you think he might have if you hadn't hung up on him?
Question: Why the HELL would Edward call, all the way from Italy no less, and ask for Bella's FATHER?? Answer: This is Stephanie's painfully awkward and heavyhanded attempt to set up a Romeo and Juliet scenario for Bella and Edward. Remember English class back at the beginning of the movie? Stephanie lost the very tiny little bit of respect I might have started to have for her with this ridiculously ludicrous and unsubtle bit of writing.
Oh, who am I kidding? There was never any chance of me having any respect for her.
So blah blah blah. Bella and Alice race off for Italy, which is only what? A 13-hour flight? Not nearly enough time for Edward to do anything stupid before they even land in Europe. Yet Bella catches him literally as he's about to step into the sunlight in all his sparkly glory in the middle of a street festival celebrating driving the vampires from the city.
Not out of the woods yet though -- they're dragged back inside to face the Volturi, made up of Dakota Fanning, who looks okay but doesn't even bother with a non-American accent, Jamie Campbell Bower, the Gay Gay McGayerson sailor boy from Sweeney Todd, and Michael Sheen as the leader, who spends an agonizing amount of time expressing delight at how Bella can resist any form of vampire attack.
A less frightening group of actors playing this supposedly widely feared elite class of vamps can scarce be imagined. Unless maybe Paul "Peewee Herman" Reubens auditioned. (Wait, he already played a vamp, in the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie. And was about as scary as these mooks.) I'm sorry, the European vamps in Interview with the Vampire were truly otherworldly and intimidating (and could all manage a British accent). This seems like a pale, pale imitation of them that really failed for me.
I almost forgot the second most awkward scene in the movie: Bella, Edward and Alice are barely through the doors of the cathedral where the Volturi have set up shop when Dakota appears to bring them inside. "They sent me to see what was taking so long," she spits out in a rush. My god, can we just have a second to close the doors first? She was a better actor when she was 7 in I am Sam.
The Volturi release them after a vague threat to kill Bella that's quickly forgotten when Alice claims she's seen Bella become a vamp in the future. Back home to Forks where the Cullen clan has returned and they're debating whether to turn Bella into one of them. This movie (and this review) have already gone on far too long, so I'll just tell you the vote is yes. Edward isn't happy, but he doesn't let that stop him from asking Bella to marry him. Bipolar much? Jesus.
At least his hair looks better in this movie. Not that any 'do can help the fact that his forehead-to-chin ratio remains at a firm 3:1. Not a good look. Hopefully he'll grow a beard in the next one.
Almost forgot -- for a far funnier commentary made of all sorts of win, check out the Movies in 15 Minutes version!
It apparently picks up directly where Twilight left off -- Bella is still smarting at Edward's refusal to turn her into a vampire, and is now obsessed with age and the idea of growing old, illustrated rather heavyhandedly (which, coincidentally, is the best word to describe the whole movie) by a dream where she meets her grandmother in a field, but when she turns to introduce her to Edward, she suddenly becomes her and Edward chivalrously kisses the hand of his now old crone of a girlfriend.
It doesn't help that she wakes up to her 18th birthday. Consequently anyone that makes lighthearted jokes about her advanced age get their eyes scratched out.
She spends the first scenes nagging and pestering Edward to death (no pun intended) about it, probably demonstrating in the process what a pain in the ass she can be and reminding him precisely why he's not keen on spending eternity with her. Her endless haranguing gets them in trouble in English class during a screening of Romeo and Juliet, in which the teacher tries to embarrass them for not paying attention, not realizing that Edward is 109 and has memorized the play.
Bella is invited to a birthday party at the Cullens' house, which no one seems excited about but Alice, who is flitting around like a hummingbird delivering presents to her from the other vampires, all of which Alice has picked out. Until she gets to Esme's gift, described as something to help Bella with her wan paleness (it seems too small to be a tanning bed though). We'll never know what it was because either she decorated it with a straight razor or Bella gets the mother of all paper cuts, and suddenly she drops one solitary bead of blood onto the carpet.
Everyone in the family tenses at the blood, except Jasper (remember, my favorite), whose pupils dilate like the shark's at the "Fish are Friends" meeting in Finding Nemo. A hilarious super slo-mo sequence ensues where Jasper becomes rabid and the rest of the sibs struggle to hold him back. Edward shoves Bella back out of harm's way, only to send her hurling through a glass table that completely shreds her arm, producing way, way, way more blood. Smooth move, Ex-Lax Edward.
Carlisle hustles her out to stitch her up. Sadly Bella's wounds aren't mortal or she would have gotten her birthday wish, since Carlisle is fond of turning his patients rather than letting them die. Edward brings her home, bestowing a goodnight kiss on her with such a comically pained expression you'd think she smelled like dog shit.
The very next day Edward breaks some bad news to Bella: the village folk have started noticing that Carlisle looks ten years younger than he's supposed to be, so it's time to be moving on. And she's not invited. When she makes a fuss, he sends her away with the classic "Go on, I don't want you anymore" when really he does, he's just trying to protect her trick that's been seen in at least four other movies, yet she totally falls for it. Oh Bella, you're too stupid to be a vampire.
She plummets into angsty despairing depression, waking her father up every night with her anguished screams of heartbreak. I can't really poke fun here as I went through something very similar when I lost my friend Brian in college. Except he wasn't an asshole vampire who proclaimed his everlasting love one day and then pretended he was done with me the next.
She withdraws from her friends, seemingly only maintaining email contact with Alice (whether Alice is writing back is never made clear). She's also discovered that Edward makes ghostly visits to her when she's potentially in danger, spurring her to start seeking out risky behavior just for the rush of having him scold her like a child.
Then her pal Jacob reappears on the scene.
Jacob was her Native American friend from the first movie, who hinted pretty unmistakeably back then that his people had some werewolf shit going on; hints that she completely missed because she was all about the vamps. He seems normal enough when they first start hanging out -- at least he can keep his shirt on. But that will all change soon enough.
She re-initiates their friendship under the guise of helping her fix up some dirt bikes, in a montage where the more astute viewer can see the dirt bikes are a heavyhanded metaphor for her heart and he's putting it back together again as they slowly grow closer. Well done, Stephanie Meyers. You've managed to top yourself in schlocky sentimentality.
Things are going well for the two friends, except for a local gang of young braves who go about clad only in denim shorts and sockless shoes. At first Jacob is repulsed by them. But then he starts exhibiting strangely territorial behavior, especially around Bella.
This comes to a head one night when she's asked on a date by her dorky, completely non-supernatural friend (and she couldn't look less enthused about it) and somehow Jacob ends up tagging along. During the movie she sits between the two boys, who both have their hands palm up on the armrests hoping for Bella to take them -- I LOLed as hard as I did at anything in the first movie. Subtle, guys. I LOLed almost as hard as I did at the title of the movie they're watching: Face Punch, deliberately chosen by Bella for its utterly non-romantic content.
In the lobby Jacob suddenly makes an alpha male show of aggression against the other guy, followed by excusing himself because he feels strangely warm. He must be burning up, since this is the last appearance his shirt will make for the rest of the film.
After he avoids her for a week, she goes to see what his problem is. She finds him walking around wearing only denim shorts (tribe issue?) and sockless shoes, sporting a six-pack you could skate on and a fancy new tattoo. (Unfortunately since they're in the Pacific Northwest, it's pretty chilly and in some scenes Jacob seems to be visibly shivering from the damp cold; either that or he's so profoundly affected by Bella's proximity, which the first movie established has quite an intoxicating effect on the paranormal denizens of Forks.)
Suddenly the tough gang he couldn't stand are his new best friends, and he can't tell her anything about the new him except to try to get her to remember the tribal legends he told her in the first movie. The look she gives him is slightly more vacuous than her normal expression.
Well, this gag order lasts only as long as it takes her to angrily confront his new pals, who evidently have zero self-control and transform into wolves after a slap on the nose by a girl. This is the scene that was in all the commercials and promo spots when Jacob jumps over her and changes in mid air to defend her.
If they're forbidden to talk about the "w" word, I'm pretty sure making a full transformation before a paleface's eyes isn't smiled on either. And not for nothing, historically werewolves can only change by the light of the full moon, not every time their delicate male egos are bruised, making these jokers more like Animagi (Harry Potter interlude here). But I suppose if Stephanie's vamps can not only survive sunlight but sparkle in it, why should she trouble herself with accuracy regarding werewolves either?
So "the wolf's out of the bag" (a line spoken by one of Jacob's pals. I groaned). Bella has a slight period of adjustment, but then she's back to aching after Jacob, represented by hovering with their lips inches apart but never actually kissing; kissing is too close to cheating on Edward in Stephanie's mind I guess.
Also I didn't mention Victoria is back in town, the Natasha Lyonne-looking "nomad" vamp from the original. She wants to kill Bella because Edward killed her boyfriend (I assume the psychopath James from the first movie). The Indian werewolves have been hunting her.
Bella's last daredevil stunt to try to see Edward again is to cliff dive, not realizing Victoria had just been chased into the same body of water. Jacob pulls her out before Victoria can make her move, and that's the last we see of her, which I personally was kind of disappointed by.
This act is interpreted by Alice (who can see the future) as a suicide attempt, and she comes rushing back to Bella. Naturally Bella's first question is whether she brought Edward with her, which shows Jacob how she's been playing him for a chump and killing time until she got to see her vamp lovah again.
But Edward is in Italy, contemplating his own suicide -- he said in the beginning of the movie he would make a scene in front of the Volturi, a powerful group of vampires, who would then execute him, one of the only known ways to kill a bloodsucker (as long as we forget centuries of legends, such as wooden stakes, silver crucifixes, holy water, and again good old sunlight).
SUCH bad timing -- Edward happens to call Bella's house just then. Jacob answers, and evidently Edward asks to speak to Bella's father. Jacob angrily tells him, "He's not here, he's arranging a funeral!" and hangs up. He meant for one of the tribe elders, who had a heart attack after narrowly escaping being killed by Victoria, but Edward of course assumes he means Bella's. Bella screams, "WHY DIDN'T YOU LET ME TALK TO HIM??" and Jacob screams back, "BECAUSE HE DIDN'T ASK FOR YOU!!!!" Well, do you think he might have if you hadn't hung up on him?
Question: Why the HELL would Edward call, all the way from Italy no less, and ask for Bella's FATHER?? Answer: This is Stephanie's painfully awkward and heavyhanded attempt to set up a Romeo and Juliet scenario for Bella and Edward. Remember English class back at the beginning of the movie? Stephanie lost the very tiny little bit of respect I might have started to have for her with this ridiculously ludicrous and unsubtle bit of writing.
Oh, who am I kidding? There was never any chance of me having any respect for her.
So blah blah blah. Bella and Alice race off for Italy, which is only what? A 13-hour flight? Not nearly enough time for Edward to do anything stupid before they even land in Europe. Yet Bella catches him literally as he's about to step into the sunlight in all his sparkly glory in the middle of a street festival celebrating driving the vampires from the city.
Not out of the woods yet though -- they're dragged back inside to face the Volturi, made up of Dakota Fanning, who looks okay but doesn't even bother with a non-American accent, Jamie Campbell Bower, the Gay Gay McGayerson sailor boy from Sweeney Todd, and Michael Sheen as the leader, who spends an agonizing amount of time expressing delight at how Bella can resist any form of vampire attack.
A less frightening group of actors playing this supposedly widely feared elite class of vamps can scarce be imagined. Unless maybe Paul "Peewee Herman" Reubens auditioned. (Wait, he already played a vamp, in the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie. And was about as scary as these mooks.) I'm sorry, the European vamps in Interview with the Vampire were truly otherworldly and intimidating (and could all manage a British accent). This seems like a pale, pale imitation of them that really failed for me.
I almost forgot the second most awkward scene in the movie: Bella, Edward and Alice are barely through the doors of the cathedral where the Volturi have set up shop when Dakota appears to bring them inside. "They sent me to see what was taking so long," she spits out in a rush. My god, can we just have a second to close the doors first? She was a better actor when she was 7 in I am Sam.
The Volturi release them after a vague threat to kill Bella that's quickly forgotten when Alice claims she's seen Bella become a vamp in the future. Back home to Forks where the Cullen clan has returned and they're debating whether to turn Bella into one of them. This movie (and this review) have already gone on far too long, so I'll just tell you the vote is yes. Edward isn't happy, but he doesn't let that stop him from asking Bella to marry him. Bipolar much? Jesus.
At least his hair looks better in this movie. Not that any 'do can help the fact that his forehead-to-chin ratio remains at a firm 3:1. Not a good look. Hopefully he'll grow a beard in the next one.
Almost forgot -- for a far funnier commentary made of all sorts of win, check out the Movies in 15 Minutes version!
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Re: p.s.
Date: 2010-04-29 05:32 pm (UTC)I clearly have a chip on my shoulder.
Re: the movie reviews. I'm the same way with bands! If I hate the band, I can go on for pages. If I like it, my emotions always get in the way of my objectivity and all I can do is say, "IT MAKES ME WANT TO DIE THAT MEANS IT'S SO GOOD!"