My God I watch a lot of movies Part Deux: The Reckoning

I wasn't really planning to see Beowulf, mostly because I kept forgetting the screenplay was by Neil Gaiman. As an English major I had taken an entire college course devoted solely to the study of the ancient poem, of which I remember not word one, so I hardly felt any special affinity for it. However, never underestimate the draw of Angelina Jolie's boobies well-done 3D (and IMAX) for me.

(Actually that boobie bit is such a joke to me. Someone at IMDb posted the anxious, hopeful query, "Do you actually see Angelina's boobs?" Dearheart, if you're relying on CGI nudity to get your jollies, save your money and buy some titty magazines. Honestly.)

Before I discuss Beowulf the movie, I must discuss Beowulf the audience. I was the first to enter the theater, and chose a seat in the very back row high at the top. Because I just know it could be me and one other person, and that person would sit behind me and kick me through the entire film.

Next came a young guy, dressed like a gangsta but before we judge too hastily, he took his seat and whipped out a book -- you know, those paper-filled thingies with words that most kids don't touch outside of a classroom? I so would've dated him in school (but would make him lose the ridiculous skateboard cap).

After him came a succession of men, all middle-aged, some alone. Down near the middle of the theater, a pair of burly, silver-haired biker dudes were preparing to take their seats. I watched with great interest, ever since dopshoppe pointed out to me how some straight men put an empty seat between them, lest a stray brush of shoulder be misconstrued as an offer of oral sex. I felt a warm glow of pleasure when they sat arm to arm. I felt it blossom larger when I noticed them sharing a tub of popcorn. And I flat out fell in love with them when I noticed them sharing a soda (separate straws though). Movie food is damn expensive and if I were a guy, I would have no problem shoving social mores aside to save $7. And nor did they. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Which is not to say all my fellow moviegoers were perfect little microcosms of an ideal audience. Minutes before the film started, two mooks sat directly in front of me (empty seat between them), one of whose big fat head edged up just enough into my line of vision to make me move (after sitting in that seat for 30 minutes. Bitch). Minutes after the film started, another guy sat a little farther down, set up a feeding trough and proceeded to snarfle, snort and chomp loudly through the entire movie, perhaps pausing when Angelina's boobies made their appearance. I SO wanted to say something after the first hour, but other people were sitting much closer; surely THEY would speak up? Or not. Pussies.

( ::Turns out Mr. Piggy Pig Pig was in good company:: )

I'm going to stop right here because I'm telling the whole damn movie, which was not my intention. Since I have barely no memory of the poem, I can't tell you how much liberty is taken in this translation. I DO know that it was all Gaiman to make Grendel's mother's feet the shape of stiletto heels, I'm pretty sure those hadn't been invented in the fifth century. It was a nice touch. The story is engaging, with a compelling mixture of history and mythology as only Neil can do. The action is gripping; it's very easy to forget the movie is animated, the CGI is done so well. As always, if you have the opportunity to see it in 3D, I highly recommend it. 4.5 out of 5

Movies I fucking can't wait to see: I Am Legend (IMAX, shyeah baby) and of course Sweeney Todd (not in IMAX, dammit).

Then I came home to #6 in the Horrorfest series, Wicked Little Things. ( ::Oy vey:: )

Dismally bad. Incredibly stupid and pointless. 0.5 out of 5 Come on, "8 Films To Die For" -- IS THIS THE BEST YOU GOT????

~*~

Christmas. Season of Lies and Deceit. Already the stressful challenge has begun of not blurting out events of my day that might give away Tery's gifts.

When she got back from visiting her gay brother in New York, all she could rave about was this fancy Rabbit wine opener he had. I bought one from eBay for her, then it occurred to me how little fun it would be without something to use it on on Christmas Day. I emailed her brother for suggestions, since I knew very little about her taste in wine. He recommended two brands that were sure things.

All unknowing, I went across the street to our local liquor store to pick up a bottle. I balked slightly when I realized there were about six aisles of wine. I made an effort to look for the bottles on my own, but I felt about as out of place as a guy in Victoria's Secret. I felt my floundering made it obvious that I'd never bought a bottle of wine in my life, that I couldn't tell wine from champagne if I had a gun pointed at my head.

I asked the cashier for help. He couldn't find Jason's suggestions either, which gave me small comfort. I called Tabby hoping she'd know what Tery liked; she couldn't help ("Real alcoholics don't drink wine"). Friends Chris and Liana were similarly stumped, and I took bigger comfort in the fact that even her drinking buddies had no clue. Chris did at least steer me towards a cabernet, and from there I took the cashier's recommendation and bought a brand called "Insatiable" (I don't know about wine, but I am easily impressed if the label is cool enough).

It'll have to do. I've already spent X-hundred dollars on her for Christmas with the TV. I'm not going crazy on the wine too.